Quotes by W. Somerset Maugham

It's a funny thing about life;
if you refuse to accept anything but the best,
you very often get it.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Related topics: Life Human-Nature Psychology

Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham

There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

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Thank you for joining me on this journey we call life,
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill

Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

When you think you're out of time,
smile, and turn back the clock.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

You got to be careful if you
don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
- Yogi Berra

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle

When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller

A person with a new idea is
a crank until the idea succeeds.
- Mark Twain

Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain

Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein

When you reach the end of your rope,
tie a knot and hang on.
- Anonymous Saying
(Sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson)

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks-
if we agree with him.
- Mark Twain

Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad,
laugh loud - laugh often,
laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Okay, here's your first lesson: how to take a FALL!
- the movie Karate Kid

Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

An old friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes

Nine-tenths of the people were created
so you would want to be with the other tenth.
- Horace Walpole

Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts cartoon

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.
- Stephen Hawking

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash

The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity,
but in being uninteresting.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Old age has deformities enough of its own.
It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

One day Alice came to a fork in the road
and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
His responses was a question: "Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
- Lewis Carroll

Normal is in the eye of the beholder.
- Whoopi Goldberg

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

When you're drowning, you don't say,
"I would be incredibly pleased if someone
would have the foresight to notice
me drowning and come and help me,"
you just scream.
- John Lennon

I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain

I love deadlines.
I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
- Douglas Adams

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

I refuse to answer that question
on the grounds that I don't know the answer
- Douglas Adams

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.
- Albert Einstein

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

Whenever I feel the need to exercise,
I lie down until it goes away.
- Robert Maynard Hutchins

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Steve Martin

I never make stupid mistakes.
Only very, very clever ones.
- John Peel

Love is an endless mystery,
for it has nothing else to explain it.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

I truly believe that happiness is possible...
even when you're thirty-three
and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous

I am no longer young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

Sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

Anyone who thinks sitting in church
can make you a Christian must also think
that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

You are only young once,
but you can stay immature indefinitely.
- Anonymous

All you need is love.
But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
- Charles M. Schulz

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

The trouble with having an open mind, of course,
is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it.
- Terry Pratchett

Today is my day to laugh at life.
Laugh loud - laugh often.
Laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad.
Laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
- W. C. Fields

Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent.
What you lack, is the capacity.
- said by Shrek in the movie Shrek 2

The way I see it, it doesn't matter what you believe,
just so you're sincere.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Go Fly A Kite, Charlie Brown

I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
- Charles M. Schulz

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May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie