Funnier Quotes

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

Related topics: Funny Movie

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill

A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer

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Thank you for joining me on this journey we call life,
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous

A person with a new idea is
a crank until the idea succeeds.
- Mark Twain

Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks-
if we agree with him.
- Mark Twain

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle

You got to be careful if you
don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
- Yogi Berra

When you reach the end of your rope,
tie a knot and hang on.
- Anonymous Saying
(Sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson)

When you think you're out of time,
smile, and turn back the clock.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad,
laugh loud - laugh often,
laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

One day Alice came to a fork in the road
and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
His responses was a question: "Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
- Lewis Carroll

Nine-tenths of the people were created
so you would want to be with the other tenth.
- Horace Walpole

Okay, here's your first lesson: how to take a FALL!
- the movie Karate Kid

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

Old age has deformities enough of its own.
It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts cartoon

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.
- Stephen Hawking

Normal is in the eye of the beholder.
- Whoopi Goldberg

An old friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash

The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity,
but in being uninteresting.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I never make stupid mistakes.
Only very, very clever ones.
- John Peel

I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain

Sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person.
- Germaine Greer

Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Steve Martin

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
- W. C. Fields

Today is my day to laugh at life.
Laugh loud - laugh often.
Laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad.
Laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend.
- Bono

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

There's a fine line between genius and insanity.
I have erased this line.
- Oscar Levant

I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.
- Albert Einstein

It's a funny thing about life;
if you refuse to accept anything but the best,
you very often get it.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.
- Charles M. Schulz

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth
or burn down your house, you can never tell.
- Joan Crawford

When you're drowning, you don't say,
"I would be incredibly pleased if someone
would have the foresight to notice
me drowning and come and help me,"
you just scream.
- John Lennon

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks.
- Winston Churchill

I refuse to answer that question
on the grounds that I don't know the answer
- Douglas Adams

What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

Love is an endless mystery,
for it has nothing else to explain it.
- Rabindranath Tagore

I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

I truly believe that happiness is possible...
even when you're thirty-three
and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

The way I see it, it doesn't matter what you believe,
just so you're sincere.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Go Fly A Kite, Charlie Brown

The trouble with having an open mind, of course,
is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it.
- Terry Pratchett

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

Whenever I feel the need to exercise,
I lie down until it goes away.
- Robert Maynard Hutchins

True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

Anyone who thinks sitting in church
can make you a Christian must also think
that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor

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May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie