Funniest Quotes

My way of joking is telling the truth;
that is the funniest joke in the world.
- George Bernard Shaw

Related topics: Cynical Funny

You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer

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Thank you for joining me on this journey we call life,
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

When you think you're out of time,
smile, and turn back the clock.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein

When you reach the end of your rope,
tie a knot and hang on.
- Anonymous Saying
(Sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt,
Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson)

Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain

You got to be careful if you
don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
- Yogi Berra

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks-
if we agree with him.
- Mark Twain

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller

A person with a new idea is
a crank until the idea succeeds.
- Mark Twain

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad,
laugh loud - laugh often,
laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts cartoon

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash

The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity,
but in being uninteresting.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Normal is in the eye of the beholder.
- Whoopi Goldberg

Okay, here's your first lesson: how to take a FALL!
- the movie Karate Kid

An old friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes

Old age has deformities enough of its own.
It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

Nine-tenths of the people were created
so you would want to be with the other tenth.
- Horace Walpole

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.
- Stephen Hawking

One day Alice came to a fork in the road
and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
His responses was a question: "Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
- Lewis Carroll

I love deadlines.
I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
- Douglas Adams

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth
or burn down your house, you can never tell.
- Joan Crawford

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- Groucho Marx

Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent.
What you lack, is the capacity.
- said by Shrek in the movie Shrek 2

Anyone who thinks sitting in church
can make you a Christian must also think
that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.
- Albert Einstein

I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer

No problem is so formidable that
you can't walk away from it.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

Today is my day to laugh at life.
Laugh loud - laugh often.
Laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad.
Laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

You are only young once,
but you can stay immature indefinitely.
- Anonymous

True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

I am no longer young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

Sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll

You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks.
- Winston Churchill

When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor

Whenever I feel the need to exercise,
I lie down until it goes away.
- Robert Maynard Hutchins

I truly believe that happiness is possible...
even when you're thirty-three
and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

The trouble with having an open mind, of course,
is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it.
- Terry Pratchett

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
- W. C. Fields

When you're drowning, you don't say,
"I would be incredibly pleased if someone
would have the foresight to notice
me drowning and come and help me,"
you just scream.
- John Lennon

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

The way I see it, it doesn't matter what you believe,
just so you're sincere.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Go Fly A Kite, Charlie Brown

The road to success is always under construction.
- Anonymous

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

I refuse to answer that question
on the grounds that I don't know the answer
- Douglas Adams

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May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie