I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. ...
by George Carlin

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin

Related topics: Funny

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

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Thank you for joining me on this journey we call life,
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin

Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin

So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin

I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow,
you gotta put up with the rain.
- Dolly Parton

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.
- Thomas Jefferson
(also attributed to Benjamin Franklin and Lord Chesterfield)

Non-violence is not a garment to be put on and off at will.
Its seat is in the heart,
and it must be an inseparable part of our being.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Gardening is all about optimism.
I put a seed in the ground.
I consistently tend it,
confident I will see the results, in time,
of the nurture I have provided.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wise men put their trust in ideas
and not in circumstances
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you paint in your mind a picture of
bright and happy expectations,
you put yourself into a condition conducive to your goal.
- Norman Vincent Peale

Simply put, you believe that things
or people make you unhappy,
but this is not accurate.
You make yourself unhappy.
- Wayne Dyer

Only put off until tomorrow
what you are willing to die having left undone.
- Pablo Picasso

You can do anything you put your mind to.
- Anonymous

It is not the magnitude of our actions
but the amount of love
that is put into them that matters.
- Mother Teresa

What I recognized is that you can't put it together.
It's already together, and what you have to do
is experience it being together.
- Werner Erhard

Only love has the ability to put you in that state of bliss
- don Miguel Ruiz

You only get out what you put in.
- Anonymous

Love wasn't put in your heart to stay.
Love isn't love until you give it away.
- Michael W. Smith

Never put passion before principle.
Even if win, you lose.
- Miyagi: character in the movie Karate Kid 2

Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.
- Abraham Lincoln

Put on your own oxygen mask first.
- Airline companies

If you have built castles in the air,
your work need not be lost;
that is where they should be.
Now put foundations under them.
- Henry David Thoreau

An idea that is developed and put into action
is more important than
an idea that exists only as an idea.
- The Buddha

Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do...
but how much love we put in that action.
- Mother Teresa

Who were you before you put yourself last.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Put some distance between yourself
and whatever is concerning you.
Distance in space or time
always creates a new perspective.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Reality is what you believe it to be.
It's what you put your thought and energy into,
because your hands physically manifest thought.
So your world becomes what you feel and what you think.
- Jewel

It is easier to put on slippers
than to carpet the entire world
- Al Franken

If you want to be happy,
put your effort into controlling the sail, not the wind.
- Anonymous

We all have a social mask, right?
We put it on, we go out, put our
best foot forward, our best image.
But behind that social mask is a personal truth,
what we really, really believe
about who we are and what we're capable of.
- Phil McGraw

Since you get more joy out of giving joy to others,
you should put a good deal of thought
into the happiness that you are able to give.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Angry and happy don't mix.
Flush out the angry,
and the happy has a place to put down roots.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I put aside personal preferences and step forward to be of service.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths,
but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.
- Anne Frank

My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you
before you can move on.
- the movie Forrest Gump

It is better to lead from behind
and to put others in front,
especially when you celebrate victory
when nice things occur.
You take the front line when there is danger.
Then people will appreciate your leadership.
- Nelson Mandela

One is taught by experience to put a premium
on those few people who can appreciate you for what you are.
- Gail Godwin

Let us honor all children,
and put ourselves into service
preparing a magnificent
earthly home for future generations.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Nobody has ever asked the nuclear family to live
all by itself in a box the way we do.
With no relatives, no support,
we've put it in an impossible situation.
- Margaret Mead

Are creeds such simple things like the clothes
which a man can change at will - and put on at will?
Creeds are such for which people live for ages and ages.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Preserve me, O God: for in thee do I put my trust.
- Psalm 16:1

Simply put, mindfulness is moment-to-moment non-judgmental awareness.
- Jon Kabat-Zinn

Anyone can heal who believes that he can
and will take the time to put that belief into motion.
- Ernest Holmes

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour
and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

A man is relieved and gay when he has
put his heart into his work and done his best;
but what he has said or done otherwise
shall give him no peace.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is utterly false and cruelly arbitrary
to put all the play and learning into childhood,
all the work into middle age,
and all the regrets into old age.
- Margaret Mead

When you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while waiting for you,
and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living.
When you can see that, you begin to meet people
who are in the field of your bliss,
and they open the doors to you.
I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid,
and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.
If you follow your bliss,
doors will open for you that wouldn't have opened for anyone else.
- Joseph Campbell

If you doubt the virtue in self-honor,
remember what the flight attendant says,
"Put your own oxygen mask on first."
You are of no use to anyone else
if you have not taken care of your own needs first -
this includes your own emotional,
as well as physical, well-being.
In addition, your greatest value to your children,
your family, your friends, and your community
is the example you set, leading a great life that inspires
those around you to emulate your being.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain

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May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie